Suburbanmummyuk's Blog

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Week 18 at Tara Cains “The Gallery”

It’s 1997 I’m sitting on a no name airplane waiting to fly to Sydney Australia to visit my brother. This is a trip of a life time for me. The first ever holiday since I was 16 and went to Ireland. My adoptive mother has paid for my flight and despite never wanting to go to Australia I am still quite excited. I however wish I wasn’t with her.

We arrive 24+ hours later and it’s wet and humid and I am thinking where’s the Harbour Bridge where is Bondi Beach where is the sun? On Home and Away it’s always sunny.

We drive through Sydney to my brothers Apartment where we shall be staying. I am not sure what I was expecting but it was different to what I imagined. With a swimming pool and tennis court on the roof of the building I was pretty impressed. And swam a lot.

I was as always under careful watchful eyes of my controlling adoptive mother. I wasn’t even allowed to go out for a walk on my own to the local connivence store 100 yards down the road. Not from any imminent dangers, just purely for the fact she wouldn’t be with me.

I was starting to get frustrated with her after a week I was beside myself sick of being with her so much desperate for some space. I asked my brother if he had any intentions of a night out. I was 20 years old and on holiday and stuck with my mother. He said sure he’s arrange a night out with friends.

My mother was furious and told me she was disappointed in me and that she had paid for me to come on holiday with her, not to go out partying. ONE NIGHT, IT WAS ONE NIGHT!!!! Of course not wanting to face what could happen if I answered back, I apologised and said I would tell my brother I couldn’t go. And so began the emotional blackmail games of, no fine go if you want. I’ll just wait here ALONE. I’ll never bring you with me ever again, and so on. Inside I am seething angry person and want to tell her how much I hate her.

I have my night out and meet my brothers friends, one is my future husband. We get on instantly and spend the whole night talking. My brother arranges a weekend up in the mountains and invites “future husband” I am secretly thrilled, someone who’s not family who knows nothing about me will be there to talk to.

We have a great weekend and it’s all brought to an end. I am flown to Uluru for my 21st Birthday and climb the huge rock, not really understanding the importance of the sacred site to the aboriginal people at the time. This was the only time in 4 weeks where my mother wasn’t belittling or tried anything on. It remains unlike many other places I went with my mother, it remains one of my favourite places to still visit.

Our holiday comes to an end and we fly home. I am smitten by Australia and by “future husband” I secretly vow to myself that I shall go back to Sydney. I can’t take any more of being with my mother she is abusive emotionally nearly every day, the physical abuse is still frequent but after nearly 10 years I decide to call her bluff and go along with her games. I have my front teeth fixed as in false teeth fitted, my mother had thrown a full 2 litre bottle of coke down a flight of stairs which hit me in the face a few months earlier causing one tooth to die. It broke in half while on holiday in Sydney. My teeth are fixed thanks to my brother and me paying the enormous costs of £2000 for it all.

I tell my mother I intend to go to Australia on a working holiday for 1 year, in my head I’m already vowing never to return to the UK. No matter what it takes. I will be homeless in another country if I have to be rather than be under a roof with her any longer. She agrees and thinks it will be good for me. I am taken aback. She helps fund my trip and makes me promise to return to her once the year is up. Of course I will be back!

April 1998

Two weeks after I arrive in Australia, “future husband” and me have become a couple and within 3 months we are living together. My mother is incredibly angry and tells me how disappointed she is in me, and how my father left us and now I am leaving her and how she has been abandoned. I am still feeling guilty and believe some of what she says. I am doubting my actions and wonder what to do. The year comes to an end and I have to fly back to the UK I now have a 4 year business visa and I can stay in Australia. I go ‘home’ and I am met with a sour face and spend two weeks living in fear and crying my eyes out. She tried to remove my passport from me. I end up hiding it. She tells me I’m to see no one. Each time she leaves the house she locks me inside and I stand looking out the window like a dog or a prisoner.

I ring my “future husband” and tell him it’s awful and I don’t think I will be coming back.  I am torn my life just got better, after years of starving myself I had also started to eat again as I was finally understanding happiness. I can’t eat again. I won’t eat.

We spend 4 days in London visiting my brother telling him what a fabulous time I’m having back ‘home’ My mother has bought me a Ticket to go to Florence Italy as a Belated Birthday gift. It’s fantastic I love it, she tries to set me up with any Italian man who talks to me, I drink a bottle of wine a night and wish it was all over.

The day of my return to Sydney comes, she makes it an utter living hell. And continues for several years to come from 17,500 miles away she has complete control over me still. At 28 years old I have reached a point of no return. Things are getting increasingly worse in my relationship and I am refusing to visit my mother in the UK and I am refusing her to visit me. 7 years of her ringing me on the dot at 6pm on Sunday has worn me to the ground.

In April 2006 I have my 1st child.

In August 2006 I write a letter to my mother, writing her out of my life.

I get a letter back telling me she never did anything to hurt me and never would.

I closed the door on her and it was the best thing I ever did, it took a long time to feel free and not scared.

When we came back to the UK, I refused to leave the house, I thought she would be waiting for me. I was so scared  I cried for a long time begging to go back to Australia, where I belong, where I was safe.  We came in to contact once at my brothers wedding, I was physically sick leading up to the day knowing I would see her. I made my husband vow he’d never leave my side. He did at the end for a fleeting second and she grabbed me by my arms and dug her nails in demanding to know where I was living. I screamed out for help in the middle of Covent Garden. My husband ran back to my trembling side and held on to me and firmly told her to keep her hands off me. It left me very shaken.

I still to this day try to keep my exact location private. My blog is an open book, I am out there on the internet. I know she has seen this blog, I know she has seen my twitter stream. It put the fear of god in me. And then I remembered I am not the terrified person any more. I am now a strong mother of two and a third on the way I have a incredibly supportive husband. I am confident and I have moved on.

This was written for the writing workshop over at Sleep is for the weak